Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
