I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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