I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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