My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Randomize
