we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
