life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
