Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
No I am not eating basil off your cock
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
