I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
