You don't have asthma, your pregnant
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
