We're facebook friends in real life
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
