tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
It was like giving head to a cactus.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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