Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
