my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
