My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
