last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
