I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
