Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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