also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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