It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
