thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
