so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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