Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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