I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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