I'm jealous of your bromance
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
