The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
This toilet bowl is my home.
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