Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
