One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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