It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
