Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
