i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
