just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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