She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
