she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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