DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
