im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
