Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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