Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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