i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
