VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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