I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
