I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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