i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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