I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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