Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
