He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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