dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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