atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
