Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
