People with herpes should wear stickers.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
