Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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