My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
