I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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