Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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