Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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