Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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