i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
