i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
